An Introduction

I've never thought of myself as the type of person to blog, but after so many people have suggested it, I thought I would give it a try... So here we go:

I'm Alyssa and unfortunately I am part of the club of women with angels in heaven. After a four and a half year battle with infertily my husband Pawel and I were excited to learn that we were expecting twins after our first IVF cycle. Unfortunately at 15 weeks my water broke for one of the babys and I was put on bedrest. My goal was to make it to 24 weeks to try and save the babies. I was only given 4 weeks and 1 day after my water broke and on Sunday, May 24th I gave birth to one sleeping baby girl followed 12 hours later by her sister who passed shortly after birth.

I never thought that this would happen to me and I am filled with such sadness. I try and stay strong and have tried to find every ounce of positive that can come from this situation, but somedays I feel so hopeless. We did not name our baby girls, because I only think of them as angels. It wouldn't have been right to slap names on them when truthfully there just isn't a good enough name for either of them. I would like to think that I have always been viewed as a strong, independent woman and I feel like this experience has broken me in the sense that I am more vulnerable and lonely. It feels like I am standing in a roomful of people screaming at the top of my lungs and no one can hear or see me.

I'm hoping that by posting in a blog I can work on making sense of everything and begin to figure out my new "normal". I want to wake up from the bad dream, but then I realize I'm not asleep...