Good Days and Bad Days

I thought I understood when people who have experienced losses told me that I would have good and bad days, but I have to admit that this week has really taught me a lot about good and bad days. I stayed out of work for 3 weeks after I lost the girls and I suprised myself when I returned to work because I never "lost it" at work. Well, Tuesday after a month and a half back in the real world I found myself sitting at my desk crying. I have no idea what triggered it at that moment, but I just started to cry. I think I was feeling a bit overwhelmed and my husband was working out of town and I hadn't slept and I was just overcome with a huge wave of sadness. That was what they meant when they said a bad day. I found it hard to focus on anything and I felt such a longing to hold on to anything that reminded me of my babies.

Fast forward to today and I am having what I assume people would call a good day. I had the opportunity to have lunch with a work friend who experienced a loss at the same time I did. It was almost refreshing to have someone who seemed to be in the same point of greiving as I was. And for the first time I felt proud to talk about my babies and share my experience with her. I have been fortunate that no one has really said anything cliche like, "It just wasn't meant to be" or "You're young, you can try again", but I have found that most people just don't like to talk about it. They will let me talk, but they don't seem to actively participate in the conversation and I'm sure it's because they don't know what to say or they don't want to upset me. But sometimes I want to talk about everything and be proud about the fact that I have been to hell and back and somewhat survived. But today was a day where I found myself talking about everything and truly feeling grateful for the few moments I did have my babies with me.

I am sure that I will continue to have tons of bad days, but after having a good day today I'm hoping to get to the point where I have more good days than bad....

An Introduction

I've never thought of myself as the type of person to blog, but after so many people have suggested it, I thought I would give it a try... So here we go:

I'm Alyssa and unfortunately I am part of the club of women with angels in heaven. After a four and a half year battle with infertily my husband Pawel and I were excited to learn that we were expecting twins after our first IVF cycle. Unfortunately at 15 weeks my water broke for one of the babys and I was put on bedrest. My goal was to make it to 24 weeks to try and save the babies. I was only given 4 weeks and 1 day after my water broke and on Sunday, May 24th I gave birth to one sleeping baby girl followed 12 hours later by her sister who passed shortly after birth.

I never thought that this would happen to me and I am filled with such sadness. I try and stay strong and have tried to find every ounce of positive that can come from this situation, but somedays I feel so hopeless. We did not name our baby girls, because I only think of them as angels. It wouldn't have been right to slap names on them when truthfully there just isn't a good enough name for either of them. I would like to think that I have always been viewed as a strong, independent woman and I feel like this experience has broken me in the sense that I am more vulnerable and lonely. It feels like I am standing in a roomful of people screaming at the top of my lungs and no one can hear or see me.

I'm hoping that by posting in a blog I can work on making sense of everything and begin to figure out my new "normal". I want to wake up from the bad dream, but then I realize I'm not asleep...